Hypothetical Question: Why Can’t Nas Smile?

CNN recently crowned Nas the greatest lyricist of all time. Who knows why CNN decided to throw their hat in that ring? Maybe Anderson Cooper is dating a fan of Nas. Maybe Ted Turner misses having Nas as a tennis buddy in Atlanta and is hoping that flattery will be as persuasive as Kelis’ milkshake to get him back. The most likely reason is that Nas’ lyrics just sound more like the news than anyone else’s. If you enjoy listening to a sociology class lecture, and equally enjoy weaker beat selections, then Nas is the rapper for you.

Nas appears to be allergic to fun. That’s not necessarily a negative, maybe he has a lot to be upset about. Perhaps he hasn’t gotten over his failed reality show or failed marriage or failed attempts to rule the world. I don’t know what the reason is, but despite all that, one thing remains clear. You simply can’t get a smile on that dude’s face. It seems like someone has perpetually knocked an ice cream cone out of his hand and took his puppy.

With that in mind, if we gave him a puppy and some ice cream, even God’s Son couldn’t frowny face his way through that, could he?

Nas Would Smile

All the evidence suggests that Nas is a human being and all of the available evidence would also suggest that puppies and ice cream are the leading causes of smiles. Therefore, if we provided Esco with these ingredients the result would be a smile.

To summarize, my hypothesis is. If Nas is human, then puppies and ice cream will make him smile.

The hypothesis may have its flaws, but I’m trying to employ the scientific method and get a nice young man to smile. Bear with me.

Nas Would Not Smile
While puppies and ice cream appear to be the leading causes of smiles, beautiful women, money, fame, power, and respect all rank quite high on the list as well. It would appear that Nas, while perhaps possessing a dearth of the former certainly has an excess of the latter.

The hypothesis for this side of the argument would read as follows: If you believe an excess of beautiful women, money, fame, power, and respect wouldn’t make the leader of The Firm smile, then a puppy and an ice cream cone isn’t going to make him say cheese either.

In conclusion, we may never find out what’s wrong with Nas and why he’s always making a puss-face. The theories are endless: maybe he wanted 6 mics for Illmatic, maybe he can’t get the image of the tech on the dresser out of his head, maybe Kelis brought a few too many boys to the yard, who knows. I’m not his biographer, but I do know we as a people owe it to Mr. Jones to find out.